Over-Analyzing All the References in Six: "Ex-Wives"

All My Six Posts!
Over-Analyzing All the Historical References in Six- “Ex Wives,” “No Way,” “Don’t Lose Your Head“Heart of Stone” “Haus of Holbein” “Get Down
The Tudor Crown Inspiration in Six’s Logo; The Tudor Fashion Elements of the Costumes in Six (with Painting References)
Six the Musical Wives 1-3: Historical and Modern Costume Inspirations; Six the Musical Wives 4-6: Historical and Modern Costume Inspirations
The Ladies in Waiting of Six: Historical Inspirations and Costumes; Details from Six Costumer Gabriella Slade’s Instagram Takeover
The Early Costumes of Six the Musical: From Edinburgh to Cambridge to London
Updated Six the Musical Costumes for Broadway!; The Shoes of Six the Musical
The Alternate Costumes of Six the Musical; How the Six Alternates Change Their Styling for Each Queen
Virtual Dance Workshops and Q&As with Different Six Cast Members!

I’ve been meaning for a while now to write out analyses of all the songs in Six, looking at all the historical and pop culture references in them, but i’ve had a lot of trouble finding the focus and motivation to do so during all this self isolation. I started this blog post in like….April? But here we finally are. Hope you enjoy it. I plan on putting up one for each song, hopefully at least one a week for a while. I need a purpose!

We’re starting off today with the opening song of the show, Ex-wives. Lyrics in the show are in bolded font and my commentary is in italics. :)

Abby Mueller (Jane Seymour), Samantha Pauly (Katherine Howard), Adrianna Hicks (Catherine of Aragon), Andrea Macasaet (Anne Boleyn), Brittney Mack (Anna of Cleves) and Anna Uzele (Catherine Parr) in  the Broadway production of Six - Joan Marcus…

Abby Mueller (Jane Seymour), Samantha Pauly (Katherine Howard), Adrianna Hicks (Catherine of Aragon), Andrea Macasaet (Anne Boleyn), Brittney Mack (Anna of Cleves) and Anna Uzele (Catherine Parr) in the Broadway production of Six - Joan Marcus from WhatsonStage

Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived, And tonight, we are...Live!

So I’ve actually been trying to find the origin of this rhyme for a while and haven’t had any luck. At some point I want to do an in-depth search of a lot of old texts to try to see when it was actually stated first. It appears that there are actually at least two other mnemonics for remembering the wives. I’m still researching the history on these as well, but here they are.

King Henry VIII, To six wives he was wedded.
One died, one survived,
Two divorced, two beheaded

Boleyn and Howard lost their heads,
Anne of Cleves he would not bed,
Jane Seymour gave him a son – but died before the week was done,
Aragon he did Divorce,
Which just left Catherine Parr, of course!

All of these rhymes are slightly inaccurate, in that technically, both Aragon’s and Cleves’ marriages to Henry were annulled. The word “divorce” WAS used in renaissance times, but it really just referred to annulment. The distinction? An annulment basically says that the marriage is null and void and was NEVER valid. A divorce recognizes that the couple was validly married at one time. Divorce in the modern sense simply did not exist in England in the 1500s; if you married someone, you were stuck until one or either of you died, unless there was some reason that the marriage was invalid from the beginning.

Grounds for annulment included:

  • one member of the couple was pre-contracted to someone else. A pre-contract was basically a formal engagement that was, in the eyes of the church and the law, as legally binding as an actual marriage. You could enter into a pre-contract just by promising to marry each other before witnesses. Fun fact: This is probably why, even though lots of Shakespeare’s plays feature weddings, none of them actually SHOW a wedding.
    Example: This was one of the grounds for annulling Henry’s marriages to both Anne Boleyn (before her death) and Anne of Cleves.

  • a blood or spiritual relationship between the individuals. Basically, if the husband and wife were related or had some sort of prior spiritual relationship - like as a godfather and goddaughter, that could be a justification for an annulment. “Blood relationship” referred to both consanguinity (an actual blood/genetic relationship) and affinity, which is the kinship relationship created between two people as a result of someone’s marriage. Dispensations could be and were secured for familial relationships all the time though, as the nobles in England and Europe at large were VERY interbred. You see a LOT of first cousin marriages at the time. So frankly, marrying your cousin wasn’t a great idea at the time, as even if a dispensation was secured, the marriage could possibly be annulled later (although of course, it was easier for the king to get his marriage annulled than many other nobles).
    Example: Although Catherine of Aragon and Henry were both descended from Edward III and John of Gaunt, the familial distance was enough that she didn’t need a dispensation to marry Henry’s older brother Arthur (if you’re curious, John of Gaunt was Catherine’s great-great-grandfather on one side and her great-great-great-grandfather on another side and Henry’s great-great-great grandfather on both his maternal and paternal sides. As you can see from this being on both sides, marriage between cousins was actually pretty damn common at the time.). She DID need a dispensation to marry her brother-in-law Henry after Arthur died, due to the rules of affinity. Henry’s argument

  • Other grounds that are less important to this current story: Impotence, the use of force/fear to obtain consent, the carrying out of a crime (usually adultery), marrying a minor, clandestine marriages, marriages entered under false pretenses.

Listen up let me tell you a story - A story that you think you've heard before
We know you know our names and our fame and our faces - Know all about the glories and the disgraces
I'm done 'cause all this time I've been
just one word in a stupid rhyme

This refers back to the “divorced beheaded died” rhyme and speaks to the queens’ frustration at being reduced to just one word describing what Henry did to them.

So I picked up a pen and a microphone - History's about to get overthrown

Pun Watch: Overthrown - Overthroned**

Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived, And tonight, we are...Live!

Welcome to the show, to the historemix - Switching up the flow as we add the prefix
Everybody knows that we used to be six wives

Pun watch: History- mix, remix - they’re literally telling the story from their own POV instead of the historical male-centric, Henry-centric view.

“The prefix” here refers to “ex.” Although the queens are collectively known as the six wives of Henry VIII, this line points out that they’re actually ex wives now.

Raising up the roof till we hit the ceiling - Get ready for the truth that will be revealing
Everybody knows that we used to be six wives - But now we're Ex-Wives

All you ever hear and read about Is our ex and the way it ended - But a pair doesn't beat a royal flush You're gonna find out how we got, unfriended

Innuendo and Pun watch: It took me way too long to realize that in this case, although the obvious reference of “pair” and “royal flush” is to poker, a “pair” also refers to the wives having breasts.
“A royal flush” refers to Henry being royal, and also puns on the fact that this hand in poker literally contains an Ace, King, Queen, Joker and 10, all of the same suit. It’s very rare and hard to achieve and is the strongest hand in poker. Similarly, as king, Henry VIII had all the power in his relationships with his wives.
”unfriended” is an obvious Facebook reference.

Tonight we're gonna do ourselves justice 'Cause we're taking you to court
And
every Tudor rose has its thorns
And you're gonna hear 'em
live In consort

Pun watch: “taking you to court” - this refers to both a court of law and the royal court.

Pun watch: “live in consort” refers to the fact that all of these queens were queens consort, which means they were married to the sovereign. A queen regnant would rule as sovereign in her own right, e.g., the Queens Elizabeth I, Victoria, and Elizabeth II.

“Every Tudor Rose has its thorns” - This one line has like three important references in it.

1. The Tudor Rose was an emblem that Henry VIII’s father, Henry Tudor, created when he married Elizabeth of York, effectively joining the houses of Lancaster and York and ending the long-running War of the Roses (which was referred to as the Cousins’ War at the time). Every noble used lots of different heraldic emblems at the time, and one of the York family’s was a white rose. The Lancasters DID have a red rose badge among their many emblems, but Henry Tudor himself probably used a red dragon (which signified his Welsh heritage) prior to his marriage. However, the Tudors were MASTERS of propaganda, and Henry VII revived the red rose as an emblem and combined it with the white rose of his wife to create “the Tudor Rose,” to signify the combining of the houses and the ending of the war. It bolstered his claim to the throne, which was actually fairly tenuous.

(I’m not going to get into it at length now, but basically, Henry Tudor was a descendant of Edward III and got his claim to the throne through Edward’s son John of Gaunt. However, he was a descendant of Gaunt’s long time mistress and eventual third wife Catherine Swynford; at the time, Gaunt’s children with Swynford WERE legitimized, but a clause was inserted by their half brother Henry IV at the time stating that these children were barred from the line of succession to the throne of England. If you want more info, I have a whole family tree of the Wars of the Roses and the Tudors here).

2. There’s a long history of historians claiming that Henry VIII called Catherine Howard, his fifth wife, his “rose without a thorn.” However, Claire Ridgeway of the Anne Boleyn Files did a deep dive on this topic and found that in fact, although there WAS a gold crown coin from Henry’s reign that included the Latin legend “HENRIC VIII RUTILANS ROSA SINE SPINA,” which translates as “Henry VIII - a dazzling rose without a thorn,” this crown was produced long before Henry ever met Catherine Howard and referred to him, not his wife. It appears that a victorian historian started this misattribution. However, the myth that Henry called Howard this is so well known that this line HAS to be a reference to that.

3. This also obviously refers to the 1988 song “Every Rose has its Thorns” by Poison.

Welcome to the show, to the historemix
Switching up the flow as we add
the prefix
Everybody knows that we used to be six wives
Dancing to the beat till the break of day,
once we're done we'll start again like it's the Renaissance

“Renaissance” - This is a French word meaning “rebirth” that refers to a cultural and artistic movement throughout Europe. The English Renaissance is sometimes said to have started in 1485 (when Henry VIII’s father Henry Tudor defeated Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth and became king), but is more often thought to have begun more in the 1520s, during Henry VIII’s reign. So by saying they’re literally going to start again after they’re done, they really are referencing the actual meaning behind the word “renaissance.” It’s also a probable reference to “party like it’s 1999,” from 1999 by Prince.
Although Six is always performed in the actor’s normal accents, this specific line is always pronounced in the British - Reh-nay-zance - to make the rhyme work.

My name's Catherine of Aragon, was married twenty-four years
I'm
a paragon of royalty, my loyalty is to the Vatican,
So if you try to dump me, You won't try that again

Catherine of Aragon was a Spanish princess and the daughter of the famed and rich Ferdinand and Isabella (of “Columbus sailed the ocean blue”), so she really was a paragon of royalty.

Securing her marriage to Henry VII’s son Arthur was a huge achievement for his reign, as it garnered legitimacy to the fledgling Tudor dynasty. Catherine came to England in 1501 at age 15 and married Arthur, but alas, he died less than a year into their marriage. Catherine stayed in England in increasing poverty and instability over the next 8 years, the victim of a fierce disagreement between her father-in-law and her father (who wanted Henry VII to return Catherine’s dowry). However, when Henry VII died, the 18-year-old Henry VIII immediately married the now 23 year old Catherine, getting a dispensation from the pope to marry his former sister-in-law. Their marriage lasted until Henry VIII had it annulled in 1533.

Catherine was very religious throughout her life and was a steadfast roman catholic. The seat of Roman Catholicism was then, as it is now, in Vatican City.
I’ll get into all this more in depth when I talk about “No Way.”

I'm that Boleyn girl and I'm up next, See I broke England from the church
Yeah I'm that sexy,
Why did I lose my head?
Well
my sleeves may be green but my lipstick's red

Elizabeth I’s red lips.

Elizabeth I’s red lips.

“That Boleyn girl” likely refers to Philippa Gregory’s novel “The Other Boleyn Girl,” which told the story of Anne and her sister Mary and was later turned into a film starring Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johannson. Both the book and the film were incredibly successful.

Henry VIII notoriously broke away from the Roman Catholic church and founded the Church of England, with himself as its Supreme Head, in order to get his marriage to Catherine of Aragon annulled so he could marry Anne Boleyn. Henry was likely motivated at least a bit by several things - his love/lust for Anne, his frustration with not getting his dispensation from the Pope (who actually usually issued such dispensations to European kings pretty easily, but in this case, was under pressure NOT to issue such a dispensation from Catherine’s nephew, the Holy Roman Emperor, who literally held the Pope prisoner during a lot of this time), his lack of a son from his marriage to Catherine of Aragon, and perhaps even his own sincere religious belief that his marriage to Catherine was invalid.

The lyric “why did I lose my head?” obviously refers to Anne’s ultimate demise and her song in the show, but it also refers to Anne Boleyn’s infamous temper. Anne was brilliant, but it’s well documented that when angry, she often said spiteful, threatening things. I’ll get into this more when I talk about her song “Don’t Lose Your Head.”

Six makes GREAT use of the long standing myth that Henry VIII wrote “Greensleeves” for Anne Boleyn, both in this line and in its use of the Greensleeves melody throughout the show (in fact, I recently discovered while playing through Ex-wives on the piano that the entire damn song is built around the greensleeves chordal structure). However, Henry VIII did NOT write Greensleeves, which was partly based off of a romanesca, an Italian style of musical composition that did not reach England until after Henry VIII's death. 

“My lipstick’s red” refers to the very long history of red lipstick as a symbol of a sexy, powerful, rebellious woman. There’s a whole article on the history here, but I particularly love that suffragettes specifically wore red lipstick for its ability to shock men, and prior to the 20th century, red lips were strongly associated with morally dubious women.
Makeup was not terribly fashionable during the reign of Henry VIII, however lipstick DID exist in a form during renaissance times, as crusaders to the middle east had brought back cosmetic products, including a type of rouge made from red ochre which was used to stain the lips. Henry’s daughter with Anne Boleyn, Elizabeth I, actually popularized makeup in her reign by famously wearing white makeup to cover her smallpox scars and yes, red stained lips. You can see that Elizabeth’s lips are stained red in this portrait.

Jane Seymour the only one he truly loved (Rude)
When
my son was newly born, I died
But
I'm not what I seem or am I?
Stick around and you'll
suddenly see more

The concept that Jane Seymour was Henry’s favorite wife and “the only one he truly loved” was forwarded by Henry himself, but doesn’t actually track with his actions at the time. Jane DID give Henry his only surviving son, the one he had wanted for so many years, which is probably why he viewed her with such fondness in later years. She WAS the only one of his wives who was given a queen’s funeral. There are all sorts of stories about how Henry wore black and mourned for Jane for years, but in reality, the search for his new queen began shortly after Jane’s death.

Henry looked at Jane with a lot of fondness in later years. She was painted into several family portraits after her death, even when Henry was married to other women, and Henry was indeed buried next to her when he died. This was almost certainly because she gave birth to his longed-for heir, which is something she addresses in her song “Heart of Stone” later.

Jane Seymour did die shortly after giving birth to her son Edward, later Edward VI. She had a very difficult labor that lasted two days and three nights. Edward was born on October 12, 1537, and Jane lasted until October 24. Modern historians believe she probably died of either an infection from a retained placenta, puerperal fever following a bacterial infection, or a pulmonary embolism, but it’s hard to know.
If anyone ever tells you that she had a c-section and died of it, you should ignore then because they’re very very wrong. In renaissance England, c-sections were really only performed when someone had already died or was about to die and the baby had to be removed immediately. People just didn’t survive c-sections. An example of an actual c-section from that time period is the character of MacDuff from Shakespeare’s Macbeth, who was "from his mother's womb / Untimely ripped" (Act 5 Scene 10).

The mysterious ending line to Jane’s bit here refers to the fact that we don’t actually have a ton of information about Jane. We don’t know her birth date, she wasn’t particularly notable or well known before her marriage to Henry, and most of the descriptions of her during her time as Queen focus on her meekness and gentleness rather than giving us much indication of her personality or thoughts.

UPDATE: It’s been pointed out to me by commentor Blin4 that “suddenly see more” is also a reference to a song from Little Shop of Horrors! Brilliant.

Ich bin Anne of Cleves (Ja)
When he saw my portrait he was like (Ja!)
But
I didn't look as good as good as I did in my pic
Funny how we all discuss that but never
Henry's little-

Henry’s armor with his ah, little…codpiece.

Henry’s armor with his ah, little…codpiece.
(Credit: Gary Ombler / Royal Armouries)

Parts of this segment are in German because Anne of Cleves was in fact, German.

As described hyperbolically in Haus of Holbein, Henry VIII did really send Hans Holbein around Europe to paint pictures of eligible women so he could decide which one he wanted to marry, and this is indeed how Henry chose Anna. The “Anne of Cleves didn’t look like her portrait” story started very early on, but there are several facts that don’t support this story. 1. Holbein was specifically instructed not to flatter the women he was painted, but only to paint what he actually saw, and 2. Holbein kept his job and worked for Henry for years after his marriage to Anna was annulled. This indicates that the painting was a good likeness, but Henry didn’t like her for other reasons. I’ll get into this more later, but it’s likely that a VERY bad first meeting, in which Henry tried to surprise Anna without revealing his own identity and she didn’t react well, hurt Henry’s pride terribly.

”Henry’s little- …prick“ As far as I know, there’s no historical evidence about the size of Henry’s penis to support the joke at the end of this line. However, this may refer to two different related facts. One of the grounds for the annulment of their marriage was that Henry claimed he could not consummate the marriage with Anna, which of course, implicates his penis and his masculinity. In addition, codpieces were a HUGE trend during Henry’s reign and were also literally huge, so all of Henry’s portraits and armor from the time has a very large, uhm, groin area. It’s uh, very obvious.

Prick up your ears I'm the Catherine who lost her head (Beheaded)
For
my promiscuity outside of wed - Lock up your husbands
Lock up your sons
- K Howard is here and the fun's begun

“The Catherine who lost her head” - refers to the fact that Henry had three wives named Catherine/Katherine (spelling wasn’t standardized at that time).

”my promiscuity outside of wed - lock” - wedlock is of course, an old fashioned way of referring to marriage. I actually always thought that Catherine Howard’s adultery was pretty well supported by evidence (i mean, it’s certainly more supported than the allegations against Anne Boleyn), but it’s apparently more nebulous than I realized. Her relationship with Thomas Culpeper was supported by a “love letter” she wrote him found in his chambers; however, the phrasing in the “love letter” was actually pretty standard for letters between friends in that time, so it’s definitely possible that their relationship wasn’t a torrid love affair at all. The show alludes to this more in her song “All you Wanna Do,” which addresses the sexual abuse she faced throughout her life.

“Lock up your husbands, lock up your sons” was in the 2001 Martina McBride song “When God-Fearin’ Women Get the Blues.” This lyric itself referenced the more common “Lock up your daughters, lock up your wives,” which was featured previously in the AC/DC song “TNT.” From what I can tell, THIS actually originated from the phrase “Lock up your daughters,” which is a pretty old one and is referenced several times in other pop culture works, including a 1959 musical.

Five down I'm the final wife I saw him to the end of his life
I'm the survivor, Catherine Parr
I bet you wanna know how I got this far

Catherine Parr was Henry’s last queen and she was indeed Henry’s wife when he died in 1547.

Beyonce Watch: ”I’m the survivor” is written in a similar pattern and tone as the melody from Destiny’s Child’s 2002 hit Survivor. This is the first of several Beyonce references in this show.

Get your hands up, get this party buzzing
You want
a queen bee, well there's half a dozen

Pun watch: “buzzing” “queen bee”

DIALOGUE:

We are… Six. We’ve got riffs to ruffle your ruffs!

Pun watch: Riffs are vocal embelishments by a singer. Catherine of Aragon does an actual cool riff right after this line.
”Ruffs” refers to Elizabethan ruffs, which actually weren’t worn at all until at least 13 years after Henry VII’s death, but show up in the show both in the Ladies in Waiting’s costumes and in Haus of Holbein.

Shimmys to shake up your Chemise.

Pun watch: A shimmy is a dance move in which the body is held still, xcept for the shoulders, which are quickly alternated back and forth. A chemise was a simple long undergarment worn during the English renaissance to protect clothing from sweat and body oils.

And a whole lot of history. Or as we like to call it… her-story. So obviously, you know who we are. Please, no portraits.

Pun watch: His-tory vs. Her-story. The word herstory was first used by feminists in the 1970s and was recently popularized by various nonprofit and youth campaigns to get the stories of women out in the news more often.
“No portraits” is a cheeky reference to modern day celebrities saying “no pictures” to their fans.

But give it up for our ladies in waiting! We got Maggie on the guitar! Bessie on the bass. And killing it on the keys, we’ve got Joan! And with drums so sick they’ll give you gout, It’s Maria in the drums!

I’ve written a lengthy blog post on the Ladies in Waiting of Six that you can read here, but in short, the Ladies in Waiting are all named after real life women who waited on the six wives. Maggie refers to Margaret Wyatt/Lee, who served Anne Boleyn, Bessie was Elizabeth “Bessie” Blount, who served Catherine of Aragon and Anna of Cleves (and also gave birth to Henry VIII’s only acknowledged illegitimate son), Joan was Joan Astley, who served Jane Seymour, and Maria de Salinas served Catherine of Aragon.

The gout reference is pretty funny, as gout was referred to as a disease of the lords, as it was strongly associated with intemperance in the form of over-eating and over-drinking that was really only possible to the very rich in 1500s England.

So you came here tonight to party with us old-school. Really, really old-school… But we’re not here to have fun! Uh-uh, we’ve got a serious score to settle. We’ve been in the shadow of one man for too long. And we came here tonight to step back into the spotlight! The problem is there’s Six of us, and we know you’ve all got your favourite.

Fun fact. From Henry VIII’s point of view, he actually only had three wives, not six.
He believed his marriage to Catherine of Aragon was invalid from the get-go because she was married to his older brother Arthur first.
He had his marriage to Anne Boleyn
annulled before her execution, on the grounds that Anne Boleyn had been pre-contracted to marry Henry Percy, Earl of Northumberland (despite the fact that Percy had denied this pre-contract both in a letter to Thomas Cromwell in 1536 and by swearing on the Blessed Sacrament in 1532). Another reason possibly given for the annulment was Henry’s prior sexual relationship with Anne’s sister Mary Boleyn, although Henry had applied for a dispensation from the Pope in 1527 that would allow him to marry Anne even if there was an impediment of “affinity arising from illicit intercourse in whatever degree, even the first.”
He did believe his marriage to Jane Seymour was valid, so there’s one.
His marriage to Anna of Cleves was annulled on the basis of a pre-contract between Anna of Cleves and Francis of Lorraine (which was considered unofficial and cancelled five years before her marriage to Henry), Henry’s lack of consent to the marriage, and lack of consummation.
Interestingly enough, although Henry did order Katherine Howard’s execution, their marriage was not actually annulled before her death. This was likely because Howard didn’t have any children with Henry (so no one for Henry to care about rendering illegitimate) and Henry didn’t have an immediate next wife in mind yet.
Henry also believed his final marriage to Catherine Parr was valid, of course.

Everyone always wants to know who’s the most important wife. And they’ve been arguing about it for centuries. We’ve heard it all… “Who lasted the longest was the strongest.” “The biggest sinner is obvs the winner.” “Who had the son takes number one.” “Who was most chaste shall be first placed.” “Most inglourious is victorious.” “The winning contestant was the most protest-ant.

Protestantism was really gaining ground in the early 1500s throughout Europe, and England itself became more protestant under Henry due to his founding of the Church of England, but Henry himself was Catholic in everything except the pope until the day he died. And of his wives, really only Catherine Parr would probably identify as a protestant. Anne Boleyn was a reformer and an evangelical, and was definitely painted as a Protestant Martyr by later authors serving their own purposes, but contemporary evidence indicates that although she was a reformer, she certainly wouldn’t have considered herself a protestant. And although Anne of Cleves makes all the protestant jokes in Six, and did indeed originate from a duchy that was protestant at the time of her marriage to Henry VIII, she herself didn’t appear to have very strong opinions on her religion. She was born and raised Catholic, became protestant later in life along wiht much of her family, and went back to Catholicism later in her life at the request of Mary Tudor when she became queen.

But we came here tonight to answer your questions once and for all! And tell ya whatcha want, whatcha really really want—...to know.

Spice Girls “Wannabe” reference!

That’s right, we’re gonna help you figure out which one of us is— The queen of the castle. The rose amongst the thorns. The Thomas Cromwell amongst the royal ministers between 1532 and 1540.

Queen of the castle - This references Anne of Cleves’ song later in the show and is taken from the classic children’s rhyme of “King of the Castle” (which goes back to at least 1850).

Rose amongst the thorns - previously explained above.

This royal ministers joke is so strange and hilarious to me. Henry VIII had four different chief royal ministers while he was king. Two of them (Thomas More and Thomas Cromwell) were executed for Treason, one died just after being arrested (Cardinal Thomas Wolsey) and one just managed to outlive Henry (Thomas Howard). The weird thing is - Thomas Cromwell was his ONLY chief minister from 1532-1540. There were other royal ministers of course, but that’s the only one we hear about during that time really. And he was EXTREMELY good at his job. So basically this is a fancy way of saying “who’s the best?”

But how the purgatory are they going to choose their leading lady?

This purgatory reference is very offhand (and replaces the modern phrasing of “how the hell”) but in fact, the existence or non-existence of purgatory was a pretty big religious issue during Henry VIII’s time. Catholics believed that after death, souls went to a place or state of suffering called Purgatory and are punished for their sins there before going to heaven. Protestants didn’t believe in Purgatory, as it wasn’t mentioned explicitly in the Bible. This is still a big difference among Catholicism and Protestantism today.

Hold up! If this is going to be a fair competition, they’re gonna have to judge us on the one thing we’ve all got in common. The one to take the crown should be the one who had the biggest, The firmest, The fullest Load of B.S. to deal with from the man who put a ring on it. So, (city name), we’re going to hold a little contest for you. And the rules are simple: The queen who was dealt the worst hand, The queen with the most hardships to withstand, The queen who everything didn’t really go as planned, shall be the one to lead the band!

Innuendo watch: “the biggest, The firmest, The fullest Load of B.S. “

Beyonce watch: “the man who put a ring on it” - There’s really nothing to analyze here except to note that this is the second Beyonce reference in the show and we haven’t even reached the second song yet, lol.